I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
