Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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