I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
smell my finger.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
