Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
