is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
