I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
