im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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