i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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