just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
