A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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