arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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