you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
