Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
