i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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