we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
