your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
