who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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