I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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