he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
