first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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