I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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