My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
