how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
