Already got asked if we're dating
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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