The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize