Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize