did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
