My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
