You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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