a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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