I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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