I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
