I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
