The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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