I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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