Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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