So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
