When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
