My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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