There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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