My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
