If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
