I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
