He disabled his match.com account in front of me
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize