Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
