I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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