Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
