Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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