just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize