if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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