I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
