I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
