if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
