i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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