apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize