I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
