also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
from now on my penis is your penis
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
