I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
