yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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