I can text with my tongue
there was a trapeze. enough said
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
