so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
